Please, also read my post MY OMNIPRESENT GURU

I’ve decided to start off this page, dedicated to stories of my guru Sai Baba, with my own stories of my pilgrimages to his ashrams. There were 2 of them, and I could not write about the last one without describing the first.
The first time Sai Baba requested my visit happened to be during his birthday celebration in 2002. Suddenly I was so overcome with the urge to see him in his body that I had to leave the ceremony and go cry outside.
After a good cry and a cigarette, I went back and confessed my desire to a friend, who immediately introduced me to someone so close to Sai Baba that he would be seen by the Avatar every time he comes around. This man was planning to go to India in the spring and invited me to come along.
When I told my husband about it, he was on board immediately, even though money was tight and he would have take care our 2 y.o. son on his own for a while.
So the plans were set in motion, and almost immediately crisises in my life began to crest (I did not know that at the time, but this is one of Sai Baba’s signatures). My marriage, already fragile due to my husband’s emotional instability, began to fall apart in earnest.
But I was also feeling terrible about the state of the world. Like many, I was still reeling from 9/11 and had terrible premonitions that the worst is yet to come to NYC, my hometown. On top of it, the impending war in Iraq weighted heavily on my heart, not only because it was so wrong, but also because I knew that once this can of worms is open, America would never be able to fix it, and, instead, would be sucked into a true quagmire.
Meanwhile, the gentleman who invited me to come along had to change his plans because of his family situation, and I embarked onto my first pilgrimage alone.
My flight to India was long but comfortable. The plane was half empty, and I was able to lay down and even sleep a little.
But once the plane was about to land, I was overcome with familiar worry: would I be able to collect my luggage? I’ve traveled enough to have my luggage being lost quite a number of times, and that is never pleasant.
“Not to worry”, the familiar voice with an Indian accent came into my head, “You are my guest”. Sai Baba has millions of devotees all over the world, and, I bet, he communicates with each of them differently. This is how he occasionally communicates with me. So, at that instant, I knew everything was going to be alright.
And it was. Luggage at hand, I was heading for a taxi, when a man came over with familiar greeting:”Sai Ram”. He showed me where to change currency, loaded my things in his car and drove me to the hotel I booked in Bangalore. Since I arrived before dawn after 17 hrs of flight, I thought it would be prudent to spend a few hours in a hotel sleeping before heading for Whitefield.
Once we arrived at that hotel’s lobby, my driver pulled me aside. “Why do you want to stay in this expensive hotel?”, he asked. “If all you need is a few hours of sleep, I can situate you at the fraction of what it is going to cost you here”. I agreed, and he took me to a hotel that offered a clean room with a good bed at 1/10 of the price. Later in the day, he picked me up, drove me to Whitefield, and found me a room near the ashram for decent money before disappearing out of my life as suddenly as he appeared.
I dropped my luggage in the room, donned the white punjabi I just purchased upon my driver’s suggestion and went for badjans.
There I’ve met 2 Russian ladies from Kazahstan, who immediately became such good friends of mine that we were inseparable for the duration of my 2 weeks stay in Whitefield.
In Russian community, news travel fast and people are met easily. This is how we knew what and when to do, whom to visit, etc.
So the very next day we went to see an Indian lady who was told to speak for Sai Baba. Naturally, I was dubious at first. When it was my turn to ask questions, the first one that came to mind was about the war. “Don’t worry about the world,” the lady said, “Worry about your personal life”. With those words, I felt like the sadness in my heart chakra was suddenly sucked out of me. This sensation was so real that it was almost physical in nature. I could no longer mistrust the answer, when it came to my second question of whether I should stay in my marriage. “When you’re married, you have one set of problems. When you are not, you have another. That’s all”, said the lady. Or was it Sai Baba?
Every morning, I would get up just before dawn so I could get a better seat at the darshan. I no longer dreamt of an interview with my guru, but, for a while, I did all I could to get in the first row where I could be the nearest to my guru. Soon, however, I realized that Sai Baba was the one arranging sittings and stopped fighting. Immediately upon that realization I got to the third row – the closest I’ve ever been, and was able to give him my and my friends’ letters.
On the morning of my last day of the first pilgrimage, I was awaken by Sai Baba’s symbol coming at me spinning. Startled, I woke up and glanced at the clock: 4 am – too early, so I went back to sleep.
I got up just before 6 am, as usual, brushed my teeth, got dressed and went for darshan. But when I got to the ashram, the line was so huge that I had no chance to get inside at all.
Still, I stayed, and was rewarded: Sai Baba came to us, the crowd on the outskirts of the ashram, and LOOKED AT ME. Many a devotee know that look: my insides were read and aknowledged, and then I was BLESSED, as he raised his hands, WHILE LOOKING AT ME.
From that point on, my life got so uncomfortable that it it was downright painful for the next 2 years, just like my plane ride home.
I also know that Sai Baba helped me to get through those long 2 years unscathed, and he also fulfilled many of my wishes written in the letter I gave him, even the most incredible ones.

I always knew I would come back to India. In fact, I was planning my return around 2012 – 2014. Then I would take my son to see the Avatar and hopefully be blessed by him. I’ve chosen those years, because in many cultures around the world boys are considered to become men around 13 years of age and often are sent on spiritual quests around that time. Also, many people choose their path in life just about that age.
But Sai Baba had other plans. When the e-mail came about a group from America going for pilgrimage, suddenly I knew that this was the time for mine.
Once again, the money was tight, my child was a bit too young, and July is not most comfortable month weather-wise in India. But all other reasons were ripe. Particularly, I was worrying once again about the state of the world affairs. Long before the 9/11, I picked 8/1/10 as the possible onset date for the World War III – so ominous were the planetary positions on that date.
Once again, once I sent money for the air tickets, the problems in my life came in with full force:
I developed a life-threatening health problem; I had to let go of an extremely important business client, and, a week before my flight, my ex-husband’s unemployment benefits ran out.
The flight was extremely uncomfortable, and my son and I did not sleep for almost 2 days when we finally arrived at the ashram. My poor child finally fell asleep – on the toilet seat, no less, while I was busy with registration and buying a lock with my roommate.
I let the boy sleep for a few hours, but I was so intent on not missing a darshan, that eventually I woke him up, took him to a store outside to pick up white clothes for him, dressed him up and put the pilgrimage scarf on myself, thinking I was dressed appropriately.
Now I needed a man to accompany my son, but before I could make the arrangements, my son decided to be independent and run for his darshan faster than I could say “No”.
As for my self, I was sent out 3 times due to inappropriate dress, inappropriate bag, etc. When I was finally seated, I was so far from my guru that I could hardly see him.
I saw, however, that he did not even look at the crowd, being busy reading letters.
Still, I prayed. I was particularly concerned with my newly developed health problem, because if it flared up here in India, there was a chance I would not make it. Exhausted and stressed, I was most likely to have it come about full force any minute. But it did not. That is how I knew my prayer was answered. This episode also showed me that the seating position at the darshan really does not matter.
Still I could not help myself and continued to wish for the first row seat, just like everyone else.
But my group was to sit in front on the day 8 of the pilgrimage, so I had to be patient.
The next day I ventured outside again and immediately began buying presents. I bought 1 for myself too: a silver ring with Sai Baba’s picture on it. During evening darshan I prayed to Sai Baba to bless it.
I showed it to Sarah, my fellow pilgrim, and she also admired it.
The next day during dinner, she asked to take a look at it once again.
But, alas, all I had was a setting – Sai Baba’s picture was gone!
“He does not love me”, I cried like a baby. “No, it simply means he has something better for you”, Sarah said wisely.
The next morning during darshan I had the most incredible meditation where I felt my shushumna channel opening widely and Sai Baba and I being fused somehow in Light pouring in.
Right after darshan, my son and I went on a tour, arranged by a store keeper I have befriended during my buying spree. He accompanied us. We went to the place where Sai Baba was born (not a barn where Jesus was born but close), to the school Sai Baba attended as a child, to the lake the store-keeper was so proud of, and to the meditation tree where I wrote my 3rd letter to Sai Baba and hang it there.
We managed to make it to the evening darshan where I had another incredible meditation. During it, I had a vision of another channel opening. Now it was more to the front and it looked like a chimney with the ladder. In that vision, Sai Baba climbed down that chimney while I felt extremely uncomfortable. “Please don’t go there”, I begged in my mind, “It is so dirty down there”… I don’t know why but I have noticed that somehow I do not consider myself a good person. When my son was born, he seemed so perfect that I was afraid to touch him, feeling that my touch would somehow spoil his perfection. It was only 10 days later when my son has developed an illness, I no longer was afraid to infect him with my imperfection and was able to finally bond with him.
I’ve also noticed that sometimes I would meet a man that I would like immensely yet would stay away, inexplicably feeling that he is too good for me. Perhaps that is why I would always get involve with men who were disappointing to say the least.
But Sai Baba continued to climb down undeterred in my vision, until he disappeared. Then suddenly he appeared sticking out of my heart chakra, with his smiling head protruding out of my chest.
This was so Sai Baba, the vision was realistic and the sensation was so strong that when a few minutes later I wanted to scratch my sweaty chest, I looked down so I would not scratch Baba!
I also felt being surrounded by his love to such extend that I did not laugh at my vision, but basked in that love instead.
As I was leaving darshan, I began doing my sadhana of repeating Gayatri mantra 108 times. Then I’ve noticed that I can see the swami with my 3rd eye. That is when I realized that Sai Baba has indeed given me something much more precious than a blessed ring: He has given me Eternal Darshan!
My son left before I finished eating. He did not feel good and wanted to go to bed. I’ve noticed that the rash (the reaction to the malaria pills he has developed) returned, and now his legs were covered with it.
I should also mention that my son and I have moved to a different room at the ashram, because our initial roommate happened to be a doctor on call through the night, which did not give us much sleep. Now he and I had a room all to ourselves, and I was looking toward finally a good night sleep.
When I came into the room, I had a vision of Sai Baba bended over my sleeping son, and the room was permeated with such caring love that I gasped. Immediately, the vision went away.But the love in the room still lingered.
I brushed my teeth and went to bed, thinking I would still meditate a little. I felt incredibly honored, loved, and I wanted to savour this beautiful day a bit longer. But the minute my head touched the pillow I fell asleep.
I was rudely awakened a few minutes later. My previous roommate and a young girl were standing at the door with the light turned on.
I ran to the door: “What happened?!”
“This is your new roommate. She just came from overseas”.
“Sunita, could you please take her in for the night. My son is not feeling well and needs his sleep”
The girl, however, continued to insist that she wants to get settled in now. Stricken with her apparent selfishness, I pleaded with Sunita until she relented.
I closed the door behind them and went back to bed, but could not sleep at all.
Even before I arrived to the ashram, I thought about getting outside accommodations, but Sai Baba in my head kept insisting that I should stay in the ashram. So now I was mad at him: “I have not have a good night sleep since I’ve left New York, my son is not feeling well, and now you are sending us a roommate so young that she has no compassion. She is self-centered and mean. Am I suppose to live with such person for a week?! No way, I am getting outside accommodations!”, I cried. I also began to doubt my visions and my own sanity to boot.
In the morning, I checked my son’s legs. The rash was gone, and he was feeling spiffy, unlike me. I was tired, sad beyond measure and my face was swollen from all night crying.
At the darshan, my seating was so bad that I was able to see Swami only for a few seconds as he was passing by. He did not look at me, but for the first time I felt not love emanating from him but anger.
Somehow I felt even more dismayed. Now I was angry at myself: “Stupid”, I thought, “If Swami gives you a roommate, you should bear with that”. At the end of the darshan, I was begging for mercy and asking the Universal Love to ask Sai Baba for forgiveness. The forgiveness came immediately. I felt it. I felt it just as strongly as the sensation of Sai Baba’s head in my heart chakra in the middle of my chest.
The girl that caused all this inner turmoil of mine never tried to enter my room again, being happily settled in with Sunita.
I got myself ready for the evening darshan and went downstairs for line up. Just before the group began to move, I began to feel awefully quizzy. I’ve got the bug that was going around. It was my turn to have diarrhea, so I ran back upstairs.
After feeling a bit better, I’ve told Sai Baba,”Now that you’ve given me Eternal Darshan, I am going to have one in my room now.” And I did. I had great meditation, and, with my eyes closed, I saw Swami with my 3rd eye. But I’ve told him, “While I am here please bless me with seeing Your beautiful face in real life every day anyway.” Then I’ve heard prayers and, for some reason, thought that the real darshan was over, so I ended mine and harried outside to get some green bananas – all I could eat for now.
As I was passing the palatial yard where darshans are held, I’ve noticed that Swami is passing through the crowd and in fact is going toward me. I came closer to the railing. The Swami came the closest towards me (a few feet away), looked up and SMILED AT ME with a crooked mischievous smile. I could even swear he winked at me!
The rest of the day I floated on the Cloud 9.
Meanwhile, each new day I was beginning to detest the group thing more and more. While I made some excellent friends within the group, everything else about it was getting more and more on my nerves:
poliester saries topped by poliestor scarf that we had to wear in 100+ degrees weather; new rules given to us every morning during line up,
the line up itself, being excessively long,
plus we would be the first ones to sit down and the last ones to get up which was very hard on the body.
I thought I should bear it for the chance of sitting in the first row and handing Sai Baba my letter which I kept writing and re-writing. Sai Baba in my head kept telling me, however, that he does not want my letter and that he already fulfilled all I am asking in it.
But, alas, handing a letter was the only interaction with Swami allowed!
So I kept on hoping.
On day 7, a new rule was announced: no handing letters to Swami individually, only as a group package. “That is it”, I thought to myself, “I am out of the group on day 9!”
But the day 8 was when I was to sit in the first few rows. I was not going to forfeit that despite my “Eternal Darshan”.
I only got to the 3rd row though, and even that was thanks to Madhu who graciously exchanged seats with me.
As we were waiting for Sai Baba, I’ve noticed that a lady next to me and a lady in front were preparing to offer a braslet and a few trinkets with Sai Baba’s pictures on them for blessing.
I no longer had my letter with me, as the Swami’s voice in my head saying that he does not want a letter was getting stronger. So I took off my Sai Baba charm, via which he introduced himself to me in 1997 and prepared to do the same. As he entered, I trusted my body forward (still bent), so I could extend my hand holding the charm further out for the blessing.
But as soon as I did it, the group leader, who was sitting behind me, grabbed my sari, afraid that I was about to get up. “Do not get up!” she whispered loudly. “I am not getting up! Let go of me!” But she kept on holding it, until I was about to strike her hand with my fen. Just then Sai Baba was passing by us, and he did not even look at us.
He did look at me during the darshan, but I was too dismayed, as my special moment I waited for all these days was spoiled.
That day I came to visit Madhu before the evening darshan, as I was collecting contact information from the ladies in my group so they could send me their wonderful stories of Sai Baba.
Madhu, who witnessed the incident this morning, read me from a book of devotee who was describing a similar incident, where she was told it occured because Swami wanted her to be a better devotee.
I had to agree, because the ashram is the magical place where nothing is happening without Sai Baba willing it to be so, and everyone here knows it. I could not grasp the logic though, because I was as humble as could be and my intentions were simply misunderstood by the over-reaching leader.
I did not care about sitting during the evening darshan, because even at the front row of my group I would be too removed from Swami, since the Russian group was putting on a show for Swami, and Russians were going to get all the best seats.
So even though I originally found myself in the second row but the leader told me to move further back I was not too upset. I sat down on the outskirts of my group, next to the “free” people of different nationalities including some Russians.
When Russians started singing, I’ve recognized the songs and was singing along. The singing was beautiful, and the thousands of people gathered at the darshan were all deeply moved, including Sai Baba.
Suddenly, being Russian was a boon. Everyone kept thanking me throughout the night, as if I had something to do with that. I felt so surrounded with love and appreciation from people of all walks of life around me that suddenly it donned on me that Sai Baba was handing me my very special moment that my leader robbed me of in the morning. I could also see my leader, at the first row of the group, but about five rows removed from the front, and I thought she must feel so dismayed because the American presentation could not compare with what Russians put on. “Swami is the Great Equalizer” came the thought.
The next day I liberated myself from the group and hateful sari, put on the long dress, covered my shoulders with light cotton shawl and went for darshan on my own. But my dress, once again, was deemed inappropriate by sevandalls, so I had to go back to my room and put on a top with sleeves. Because of the time I lost in line, I was sitting in about 10th row, although in a good spot. But my spot was not as good as if I was sitting with the group. The Swami did not show up, however, and I was able to leave much earlier than the group. “Swami Is the Great Equalizer”, the thought came into my mind again.
That day I came to visit Madhu once again, as I’ve left some of my stuff in her room previously. Once again she tried me to see the situation from her point of view and offered to see what Swami has to say about it in “Sai Darshan”. I opened the book and read a passage instructing not to listen to other devotees but only to Swami in the heart.
The theme of Swami The Great Equalizer continued later in the day.
After I’ve done all I had to do that day all I wanted was to go home and empty my bladder that was about to overflow. But my son had the keys and he was nowhere to be found. I went to the room in hopes to find him there, but faced the lock on the door. The situation was turning desperate. So I asked the first lady going down the stairs if I could use her bathroom. As she was graciously taking me to her room, I’ve recognized her to be the same lady who knocked on my door on the day 2 and asked me to use my bathroom!
Now this was too funny a coincidence! Obviously, Swami labored to remove all unnecessary karmic debt even to such small detail:)!
I was floored by this attention to detail in karma neutralization and equalization, but there was 1 injustice that kept bugging me: the loss of my carry-on luggage.
Yes, Swami’s leela got me when I least expected it, remembering how smoothly went my first pilgrimage. This time, however, I was strangely certain that I would return to the same plane during our stop-over at Doha, so I neglected to take 2 pieces of carry-on luggage.
While I did not suffer from the absence of forgotten things, I knew that I would have to replace them as soon as we get home to the tune of $700 more or less. Moreover, some pictures stored in my camera (also left on the plane) were irreplaceable.
I tried to find out what happened to my luggage by calling the airline, but my efforts appeared to be futile.
I took this incident as Swami trying to show me that I focus too much on material needs. I thought it was a bit unfair so I spoke to Swami once I got to my room. I’ve told him, “I only obsess about my financial situation because I am the only provider for my child at the moment. His daddy is not sharing the load and neither are You!”
After I’ve gotten this off my chest, I went to the evening darshan. This time I’ve happened to sit in front of a very long-legged white lady with a German accent. The lady insisted on putting her long legs in front of her despite the sevandall admonition, so, in effect, she alone occupied 3 rows. While awaiting Swami, she ardently prayed with the help of a small book. When the Swami appeared and I raised my hands in Namaste (like most of us), she knocked me on my shoulder and even tried to move me forcefully as I was blocking her view. “Swami does not like that”, she told me angrily.
I had to laugh. Now Swami was definitely showing me that whether I am part of the group or not, there are always going to be “The Great Leaders” ready to spoil my moments.
After that darshan, I was doing seva at the Western Canteen, where I found myself cutting tomatoes with a young American living in the ashram. At first, he asked me for stories about Swami, and when I told him my most miraculous ones, he jadedly told me, “I’ve heard them all before. Even greater ones. Hey, I’ve had greater ones myself. But he changes people’s lives…”
He was not the first jaded person I’ve met among those close to Sai Baba. The first one who was sore with Swami was that gentleman who aimed to take me along on my first pilgrimage. Even though he practically grew up on Sai Baba’s knee he could not forgive God the death of his dad when he was 6 y.o.. He told me how he was sitting on Swami’s lap and He asked him what he wanted. All the boy wanted was for his dying dad to become better. But Swami would not grant him that. Not because he could not (we all know He could), but being the Great Karma Neutralizer he chose not to. He offered Himself instead. But not all are ready for this, which is the sad truth of our times. I’ve realized then that people who appear to be the closest to Swami are often the farthest from him… Yet I keep on fighting to sit at the first row during darshan…
During my last darshan, Swami has put me back with my group by mercy of a sevandall. He told me he wanted me to be part of the group. I chose not to hear him. So he made his point this way.
Well, my pilgrimage came to the close. The taxi arranged by my friend the store-keeper came and whisked us away to the airport.
After my son and I checked in, suddenly I heard my name being called. I was requested to come to the counter. When I came over, I was told that the airline finally located one piece of my carry-on luggage and asked me to identify it. Of course, it was my backpack! The only thing was missing was stuff that I bought in the duty-free shop.
Sai Baba heard me:)!
On my flight back I was sitting next to Victor, a man from our pilgrimage group. I asked him to tell me his stories of Swami. To my surprise, the stories he’ve told me that were so meaningful to him were few and lacked the pizazz and miraculous drama I’ve heard from others. But he was such a good and humble man that, in effect, he confirmed my theory: people who are closest to Swami in their heart do not need the display of miraculous leelas and do not need to sit in the front row, let alone have an interview. They are already there.